I often struggle with what to say to people; both believers and unbealievers. When is it best to hold my tongue, when is it my responsibilty to correct, when should I be silent and when should I offer encouragement or consolation.
Several members of my family are going throught some serious health problems right now. When I see them, "it's going to be fine" doesn't seem right, because I don't know that. Neither does, "well if you took care of yourself..." because thats callous. "Life is life and these things happen" isn't right, because thats insensitive. Yet sometimes, being silent doesn't seem like enough.
The same goes when people I love, who know Christ get themselves in trouble with sin. "Snap out of it" is insensitive. "You know better" is high and mighty. Saying nothing isn't Biblical, but saying something can seem unmerciful.
I think of Job and his trouble. Satan was allowed to test him and he lost all his belongings, his wealth, his family, and his health. And he was a righteous man. In Job 2:12-13, we hear about Job friends seeing him for the first time..."When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, for they saw that his suffering was too great for words."
I've learned that often, when people are enduring suffering that I don't understand, or that I have no answers for, being silent is best. Job's friends did great for a week. Then they got fed up, opened their mouths, and it all went downhill from there.
The first friend blames Job's trouble on some sin Job must have commited. And told him exactly how he felt. The second friend blamed Job's children, saying that their sin caused Job's suffering. And the third friends blammed Job as well. Job's own wife told him to curse God and die.
After going back and forth with his friends, who never had the right thing to say, in Job 19:1-5 Job says, “How long will you torture me? How long will you try to crush me with your words? You have already insulted me ten times. You should be ashamed of treating me so badly. Even if I have sinned,
that is my concern, not yours. You think you’re better than I am, using my humiliation as evidence of my sin."
I grew up with 5 sisters. There was always something to argue about. My parent's (who just celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary!) always said, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anyhting at all." I don't always do so great with this slice of parental wisdom.
The more I read Job's story the more I think that's it's almost always better to say nothing. If we don't understand suffering, just be with the person. If we don't know what their going through, pray for them. Even if their suffering is a result from sin, who are we to be damning with our words.
Have a great weekend,
Jill
thoughts, stories, and encouragement for women desiring a life filled with MORE of Jesus... a more Beauty-Full life.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Family Love
I had the pleasure this week of being at a family reunion
and memorial time for a much loved cousin who had passed away recently. The
event drew some family members from near and several from afar. Within the mix
were numerous cousins I had not seen in many years. Some I had only met once or
twice as a child and that was long ago. Others who were near my age I met for
the very first time, which means we have lived our whole lifetime with only a slight
knowledge of each other’s existence.
The wonderful part that struck me was the spontaneous,
genuine, love and affection we all had for each other immediately and how
natural it was for each of us to sincerely demonstrate this with one another.
With barely any or no prior personal connections we had the common link of
shared relatives, similar memories of stories we’d all heard, universal
perceptions of long-loved family members, and a shared understanding of the
family line. I believe anyone observing us would have known we were “family”
not just friends.
Just before I actually went to the gathering I had made a
trip to the grocery store for last minute items to bring. While walking down
the store aisles I suddenly had a thought that any one of the people I was
passing could have been one of my cousins also making a stop on their way to
the reunion. I would not have automatically known them as “family” and that
saddened me as I thought about it.
Without a recent picture or an accurate memory or a trusted introduction
I would not recognize them or know for sure that they were “family” and so I
would have just passed them by as strangers. Yet minutes later in the “family”
setting I would be overcome with unbridled joy and love.
This got me thinking that love is often only authentically expressed
in the context of location and association even though love is an ongoing
matter of the heart. It is a remarkable thing when the unique bond of “family”
can be experienced without reservation.
This particular reunion as “family” had been sparked by our
desire to memorialize a lost loved one. It was the common denominator for the
love that flowed that day. And this reminded me of the scripture commands in
which Jesus and His disciples referred to the importance of the visibility of
our love.
John 13:34-35
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
John 15:9
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
John 15:12
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
2 Corinthians 8:24
Therefore show these men the proof of your love and the reason for our pride in you, so that the churches can see it.
Therefore show these men the proof of your love and the reason for our pride in you, so that the churches can see it.
The world so needs to not only see but experience a genuine
love. Let’s be the spark somewhere today. Hug a neck, plant a kiss, pat a back,
hold a hand. Say the words, “I so love you!” Maybe even at the grocery store!
Gratefully HIS,
Jan
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Wandering
Last week, Jill posted the song Forever Reigns by Hillsong. If it had been my week to share a Monday post, I would have posted the same song. Maybe it's because we both heard it at church that weekend, maybe it's just because it's such a good song.
It's one of those songs that I feel no matter where I'm at.
I bought some new music today, including Forever Reigns. I bought the Shane and Shane version, which I would highly recommend. There's not a song that's been written that Shane and Shane can't make 450% better.
So, on my ride to and from my office, a meeting, and the store, I listened, to basically the same few songs- some Air Supply, some country, and Forever Reigns.
The line that hits me every time is in the second verse:
You are true, You are true, even in my wandering
I am a wanderer.
In every way one can wander, I do.
My mind wanders, almost constantly. I think about tomorrow, and yesterday, and people in my life, and people not in my life. I think about situations that haven't happened yet, and I can replay situations that have happened down to the millisecond. I plan for the future, I regret the past.
My heart wanders, not constantly, but consistently to the wrong things. Contentedness is not a virtue I have even come close to achieving.
The rest of me wanders, as much as it can.
The 2 years I have lived here in the yellow house is the longest I have lived anywhere since high school. I have lived in Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island- 6 different towns, 9 different homes. And I loved it. I loved apartment hunting, and I really loved house hunting, even though we were looking for the most deteriorated house we could find! I love moving, unpacking, starting fresh. I love learning new routes and back roads.
When I can't sleep, I drive. When I wake up early, I drive. When I'm bored, I drive. When I have too much to do, and can't focus on any of it, I drive. When something bad happens, I drive. The singular activity of driving calms me. Wanderer.
There are a lot of things we face in this day and age that are not represented in the Bible. Wandering is not one of those things.
When the Israelites wandered through the wilderness, God was faithful.
When Hosea's wife wandered from her marriage, God was faithful, and so was Hosea.
When Jonah 'wandered' (at high speeds), God gave him a second chance.
While the prodigal son was wandering away from his home, squandering his inheritance, his father was waiting faithfully for his return.
When the disciples wandered after his crucifixion, Jesus gave them opportunities to return to Him.
Some of my other favorite lines:
-You are hope, You are hope, You have covered all my sin
-You are peace, You are peace, when my fear is crippling
-You are here, You are here, in Your presence I'm made whole
I tend to like lyrics that project where I currently am, but this one tells me where I need to go.
- You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go
As much as I love wandering, I'm smart enough to know that I'm not just going to wander into that place. I need to purposely put myself there.
Easier said than done for a wanderer like me.
Brooke
It's one of those songs that I feel no matter where I'm at.
I bought some new music today, including Forever Reigns. I bought the Shane and Shane version, which I would highly recommend. There's not a song that's been written that Shane and Shane can't make 450% better.
So, on my ride to and from my office, a meeting, and the store, I listened, to basically the same few songs- some Air Supply, some country, and Forever Reigns.
The line that hits me every time is in the second verse:
You are true, You are true, even in my wandering
I am a wanderer.
In every way one can wander, I do.
My mind wanders, almost constantly. I think about tomorrow, and yesterday, and people in my life, and people not in my life. I think about situations that haven't happened yet, and I can replay situations that have happened down to the millisecond. I plan for the future, I regret the past.
My heart wanders, not constantly, but consistently to the wrong things. Contentedness is not a virtue I have even come close to achieving.
The rest of me wanders, as much as it can.
The 2 years I have lived here in the yellow house is the longest I have lived anywhere since high school. I have lived in Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island- 6 different towns, 9 different homes. And I loved it. I loved apartment hunting, and I really loved house hunting, even though we were looking for the most deteriorated house we could find! I love moving, unpacking, starting fresh. I love learning new routes and back roads.
When I can't sleep, I drive. When I wake up early, I drive. When I'm bored, I drive. When I have too much to do, and can't focus on any of it, I drive. When something bad happens, I drive. The singular activity of driving calms me. Wanderer.
There are a lot of things we face in this day and age that are not represented in the Bible. Wandering is not one of those things.
When the Israelites wandered through the wilderness, God was faithful.
When Hosea's wife wandered from her marriage, God was faithful, and so was Hosea.
When Jonah 'wandered' (at high speeds), God gave him a second chance.
While the prodigal son was wandering away from his home, squandering his inheritance, his father was waiting faithfully for his return.
When the disciples wandered after his crucifixion, Jesus gave them opportunities to return to Him.
Some of my other favorite lines:
-You are hope, You are hope, You have covered all my sin
-You are peace, You are peace, when my fear is crippling
-You are here, You are here, in Your presence I'm made whole
I tend to like lyrics that project where I currently am, but this one tells me where I need to go.
- You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go
As much as I love wandering, I'm smart enough to know that I'm not just going to wander into that place. I need to purposely put myself there.
Easier said than done for a wanderer like me.
Brooke
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Divine Pedicure
I have only had one pedicure in my lifetime.
When my cousin Lisa was married the women in the wedding party were invited for a spa day and I had my first pedicure. I must admit that after my initial awkwardness it felt wonderful and my feet looked fabulous.That was more than ten years ago.
Since then I do it myself at home with a pumice stone and nail polish. The whole ordeal is usually a giant fiasco with my bad eyesight and perception problems. So I sigh and wipe up the misplaced and spilled polish and slip into my flip flops and go on my way.
Most of the time I don't give my toes a second thought (except for scrubbing with a pumice stone everyday). I do admire the fancy pedicures on others toes as they peek out from adorable sandals and contemplate going to have mine professionally done. But I never do.
I have had other women say "You need a pedicure." However,when I look down I see clean and well groomed feet although they are a little bit rugged as I love to be bear foot. SO what's the big deal? Why do I "need" to get a pedicure?
My hands are the same; I keep them clean and well groomed. I moisturize and
every once in awhile I will actually get a professional manicure. (Don't you just love the fun names they come up with for all the various hues of color?)
But mostly these are just plain unadorned working hands. They cook and clean, wash and fold clothes. They peck away at the keyboard e-mailing and blogging. And more importantly they provide a gentle touch. It may not be the prettiest hand or be adorned with the trendiest nail polish but I hope that the love and mercy of Christ are experienced through it's touch.
The world would tell us that unless we have a perfect pedicure and manicure that we just don't measure up as a woman. By the world's standards then I am a failure.
When my cousin Lisa was married the women in the wedding party were invited for a spa day and I had my first pedicure. I must admit that after my initial awkwardness it felt wonderful and my feet looked fabulous.That was more than ten years ago.
Since then I do it myself at home with a pumice stone and nail polish. The whole ordeal is usually a giant fiasco with my bad eyesight and perception problems. So I sigh and wipe up the misplaced and spilled polish and slip into my flip flops and go on my way.
Most of the time I don't give my toes a second thought (except for scrubbing with a pumice stone everyday). I do admire the fancy pedicures on others toes as they peek out from adorable sandals and contemplate going to have mine professionally done. But I never do.
I have had other women say "You need a pedicure." However,when I look down I see clean and well groomed feet although they are a little bit rugged as I love to be bear foot. SO what's the big deal? Why do I "need" to get a pedicure?
My hands are the same; I keep them clean and well groomed. I moisturize and
every once in awhile I will actually get a professional manicure. (Don't you just love the fun names they come up with for all the various hues of color?)
But mostly these are just plain unadorned working hands. They cook and clean, wash and fold clothes. They peck away at the keyboard e-mailing and blogging. And more importantly they provide a gentle touch. It may not be the prettiest hand or be adorned with the trendiest nail polish but I hope that the love and mercy of Christ are experienced through it's touch.
The world would tell us that unless we have a perfect pedicure and manicure that we just don't measure up as a woman. By the world's standards then I am a failure.
BUT (remember that negates everything said before it) God's Word says:
What matters is not your outer appearance-the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes-but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty; the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.
1 Peter 3-4 The Message
AND
How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of the messenger bringing good news, breaking the news that all is well, proclaiming good times and announcing salvation, telling Zion, "Your God reigns!" Isiah 52:7 The Message
Since I am God's girl first and foremost I am going to continue to listen to HIS beauty advice, not my friends or a magazine but the Truth from God's Word.
This summer:
I will spend more time in HIS Presence than in a salon.
I will let HIM speak to me and give me a divine pedicure of sorts.I will sport the color "For HIS Glory" on my feet as HE sends me out to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ, to feed the hungry and clothe the poor.
I will be satisfied that my God thinks my feet are beautiful and that HE delights in the gentleness of my non-manicured fingers as I lift them up in praise to HIS Greatness, singing "Our God Reigns".
How about you? What color will you be wearing this summer?
With all that said I am slipping my toes into my flip flops and heading out for a walk with my Father.
Keep on living beauty-full for HIS glory!!
ruthann
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tomorrow?
I don't have Internet at my house. So, when I go to Brooke's house I catch up on reading my blogs, Facebook, browsing for shopping deals, and my favorite...Pinterest. Pinterist is on online pin board where you can pin images from all over the web and get GREAT ideas!. I have a "pin board" for home decor, party planning, outfits, future baby things, and more. I absolutely love that I can have all these great, creative ideas in one place.
Last night, as I spent hours "pinning" I had this inner dialogue of "when I have a different apartment I'll to this" and "when I have a house I'll do this" and "when I finish school I'll do this" and "when I have a baby I'll do this"....and then all the sudden I remembered, James 4:13-14 which says, "Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" and Proverbs 27:1 which says, "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring."
I spent all that time planning out what I would do or buy or create....when I'm not promised tomorrow even!
I think we often do the same this when it comes to God. "God, I'll start giving when I make more" or "God, I'll start serving when I have more time." or "God, I'll start leading when I'm better"... Listen friends, we don't have time to wait until we make more, or have more, or get better. We need to just discern God's calling for our lives and do it now!
If he says "give" and we say "not yet" and then we lose our tomorrow, what do we say as we're standing before Him? If He says "lead" and we say "not yet" and then the person He intended us to lead loses their tomorrow, what shall we say?
We shouldn't be living on our timing, but God's. Follow the words about in James, verse 15 says, "Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." We ought to stop "planning" and start "doing"...because we are promised many things in the Bible, "tomorrow" is not one of them.
So if you want to make a change, or fix a relationship, or if you feel called by God to do something and you're hesitating.... keep in mind that you're not promised tomorrow. See if it changes how you approach life.
Be Blessed,
Jill
Last night, as I spent hours "pinning" I had this inner dialogue of "when I have a different apartment I'll to this" and "when I have a house I'll do this" and "when I finish school I'll do this" and "when I have a baby I'll do this"....and then all the sudden I remembered, James 4:13-14 which says, "Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" and Proverbs 27:1 which says, "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring."
I spent all that time planning out what I would do or buy or create....when I'm not promised tomorrow even!
I think we often do the same this when it comes to God. "God, I'll start giving when I make more" or "God, I'll start serving when I have more time." or "God, I'll start leading when I'm better"... Listen friends, we don't have time to wait until we make more, or have more, or get better. We need to just discern God's calling for our lives and do it now!
If he says "give" and we say "not yet" and then we lose our tomorrow, what do we say as we're standing before Him? If He says "lead" and we say "not yet" and then the person He intended us to lead loses their tomorrow, what shall we say?
We shouldn't be living on our timing, but God's. Follow the words about in James, verse 15 says, "Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that." We ought to stop "planning" and start "doing"...because we are promised many things in the Bible, "tomorrow" is not one of them.
So if you want to make a change, or fix a relationship, or if you feel called by God to do something and you're hesitating.... keep in mind that you're not promised tomorrow. See if it changes how you approach life.
Be Blessed,
Jill
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Use Your Words, Or HIS
{The post below was fully titled and drafted
before I ever read Brooke’s post for yesterday, Shutting
Up. So it seems an irony that today’s post would be called “Use Your
Words, or HIS”. Interesting though that her last line reads “I'm
grateful that God can shut me up when I need to be shut up, and I pray that
I'll let Him make me speak when I need to speak.” I am right there with you Brooke!}
In many of the professional and
parental roles that I’ve been blessed in with children the phrase “Use your
words” has been an appropriate one. Of course the words I wanted them to use
were ones I modeled for them, be it labels for people or things, greetings, actions,
manners or requests. Some of these kids needed to start by using signs,
specific movements with their hands and fingers that represented the word they
were trying to express. In the beginning even an imitation of animal noises or other
silly sounds was a step of progress for them. At times I would duly reward any
of the attempts they used to declare or ask, even if they were incomplete or
unintelligible. If I felt they could be more precise I encouraged and sometimes
insisted that they do so. Ultimately when the expression was sufficient to get
the desired result, we were both happy.
Imagine how God feels when we “use our
words”. When God first placed Adam with
the animals, it says in Genesis 2:19 that God gave Adam free reign to name them
whatever he wanted to, and that’s what they were then called. Wow! What
expressive authority God issued to Adam right away.
I speculate that God is pleased when
the sounds, signs and words we speak are actually what He has modeled for us. But
I am certain He wants them to be meaningful to us. Some of the early imitative
sounds that kids make have no meaning to them or for them. They don’t yet have
an understanding, just an ability to repeat.
For example, Jesus left us a modeled
prayer. We call it the Lord’s Prayer. It is a definitive example of expressing
ourselves to God. But without a conscious understanding or attention to its
words it would surely be nothing more than a repetitive bunch of sounds. But
when declared personally, faithfully, committed and enhanced with Spirit-led
inclusions of people and issues, it can be the most holy “declaration of
dependence” we could ever utter.
I was moved by the incident that
Ruthann described in Tuesday’s post, Walking the Tightrope in which Nik Wallenda’s prayers and
praise were audible as he endured a courageous challenge. May the Lord bless
him richly for lifting up the name of Jesus publicly. We can “use our words” by
contacting ABC News and thanking them for including Nik’s audible prayers in
the ABC reports. Just go to: http://abcnews.go.com/Site/page?id=3271346&cat=ABCNews.com%20comments
Yesterday while out for my morning
prayer walk, my friend and I were in deep, though quiet, audible prayer when we
came upon a house where two large chalkboards had been erected, one on the porch,
and the other in the side yard. On both of these signs were words that lifted
Jesus up publicly. On one was scripture. On the other was a challenge to choose
Jesus on this side of the grave because it’s the only chance we get. My friend
and I were very moved seeing this bold demonstration of “using their words” to
proclaim Jesus publicly in their neighborhood. My friend and I were seriously humbled
and spoke words of prayer and blessing over the people who lived within.
Little more than a half hour later, I unexpectedly
met up with another friend and we decided to visit at an outside café nearby.
By God-incidence, while we were chatting together about the Lord two women
strode by and my friend called out to one of them enthusiastically by name.
They greeted with a hug and my friend introduced her to me using the
description, “This is the lady who puts signs out about Jesus!” I was overjoyed
to meet this gutsy soul who I had just prayed for. And yet another opportunity
arose for us to all speak publicly about the Lord. In the discussion that
followed I recognized that the woman’s motivation for putting out her signs was
compassion for the lost.
Isn’t
that just what Jesus’ Words were inspired by? His compassion.
Oh that we would continually “use our
words” and HIS words to boldly proclaim Jesus and His great compassion.
Gratefully HIS,
Jan
Shutting Up
A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I pretty much stink at extending grace and mercy. I'm great at expecting and accepting it, but not so good at doling it out.
Last night, Ruthann and I met with some people and we read from Colossians in The Message. Verse 21 begins "you yourselves are a case study to what He does."
This morning, I walked into what was pretty sure to be a fairly awkward and uncomfortable meeting. Awkward and uncomfortable are not really strengths of mine. I tend to try and avoid them as much as possible.
Technically, I had the upper hand in this meeting- in this particular situation, my wrongs are less than the other persons, and my rights are more. The speck in my eye compared to the plank in theirs.
But I knew that there was one thing- one tiny thing, that I would be called out for.
Knowing this, I spent a few minutes (and by minutes I mean hours/days/way longer than I should have) dwelling on things and coming up with the perfect, biting, in-your-face comeback that was sure to clear my name, and get us all back to talking and working on the real issues. None of which were mine, of course.
I was ready, steeled for the dirty look and emotions sure to follow my comment, and the 'talking to' that I might get from the facilitators of the meeting.
I sat in the meeting, anxiously waiting to get to the part where this other person brought up my miniscule crime. And I listened to her talk about her own crimes. I listened to her talk about what she had done, and how she was working on things, and why she was working on things, and her goals, and hopes. I listened to her talk about her daughter, and the kind of life she wanted for her. I watched her try and fail not to cry.
Some of you know this about me, some of you don't- but I'm a crier. When I see someone cry, I'm done for. I can't handle it. One of my sisters sheds half a tear, and suddenly I'm a sobbing wreck. An ounce of sadness in someone I know, or even someone I don't, and I'm fighting tears that I can't even explain. I went to a wake last week for someone that I'd never laid eyes on in my life, and spent the entire time I was there biting my cheeks and pinching myself so that I wouldn't cry. I cry at commercials, and I can make myself cry just thinking about something bad happening to people I love. I've begun to think of it as a skill!
Anyways, I'm sitting there, watching this person cry, and open up about her situation and how she ended up there. Amidst all her crimes and planks, I can feel her guilt and shame. And biting my cheeks and pinching myself, I manage not to cry along with her.
And out of nowhere, she mentions my tiny crime. And biting remark on the tip of my tongue, I nodded and said that I would make sure I stayed on top of the situation in the future.
The rest of the meeting continued, and we talked about moving forward, and goals, and what happens next. I sat, barely listening, wishing that I had held my ground, and defended myself. Wishing that my well thought out biting remark was not still sitting on the tip of my tongue.
But at the same time, I was so grateful that I hadn't. For not the first time, I was grateful that my emotions got in my way, and held me back from saying something that would have hurt someone else, and not helped the situation at all.
I'm grateful that although I didn't feel it, or want to do it, I couldn't help but extend a little bit of grace and mercy to someone who needed it.
I'm grateful that the case study of me, my life, is constantly changing, growing. I'm grateful that God can shut me up when I need to be shut up, and I pray that I'll let Him make me speak when I need to speak.
Brooke
Last night, Ruthann and I met with some people and we read from Colossians in The Message. Verse 21 begins "you yourselves are a case study to what He does."
This morning, I walked into what was pretty sure to be a fairly awkward and uncomfortable meeting. Awkward and uncomfortable are not really strengths of mine. I tend to try and avoid them as much as possible.
Technically, I had the upper hand in this meeting- in this particular situation, my wrongs are less than the other persons, and my rights are more. The speck in my eye compared to the plank in theirs.
But I knew that there was one thing- one tiny thing, that I would be called out for.
Knowing this, I spent a few minutes (and by minutes I mean hours/days/way longer than I should have) dwelling on things and coming up with the perfect, biting, in-your-face comeback that was sure to clear my name, and get us all back to talking and working on the real issues. None of which were mine, of course.
I was ready, steeled for the dirty look and emotions sure to follow my comment, and the 'talking to' that I might get from the facilitators of the meeting.
I sat in the meeting, anxiously waiting to get to the part where this other person brought up my miniscule crime. And I listened to her talk about her own crimes. I listened to her talk about what she had done, and how she was working on things, and why she was working on things, and her goals, and hopes. I listened to her talk about her daughter, and the kind of life she wanted for her. I watched her try and fail not to cry.
Some of you know this about me, some of you don't- but I'm a crier. When I see someone cry, I'm done for. I can't handle it. One of my sisters sheds half a tear, and suddenly I'm a sobbing wreck. An ounce of sadness in someone I know, or even someone I don't, and I'm fighting tears that I can't even explain. I went to a wake last week for someone that I'd never laid eyes on in my life, and spent the entire time I was there biting my cheeks and pinching myself so that I wouldn't cry. I cry at commercials, and I can make myself cry just thinking about something bad happening to people I love. I've begun to think of it as a skill!
Anyways, I'm sitting there, watching this person cry, and open up about her situation and how she ended up there. Amidst all her crimes and planks, I can feel her guilt and shame. And biting my cheeks and pinching myself, I manage not to cry along with her.
And out of nowhere, she mentions my tiny crime. And biting remark on the tip of my tongue, I nodded and said that I would make sure I stayed on top of the situation in the future.
The rest of the meeting continued, and we talked about moving forward, and goals, and what happens next. I sat, barely listening, wishing that I had held my ground, and defended myself. Wishing that my well thought out biting remark was not still sitting on the tip of my tongue.
But at the same time, I was so grateful that I hadn't. For not the first time, I was grateful that my emotions got in my way, and held me back from saying something that would have hurt someone else, and not helped the situation at all.
I'm grateful that although I didn't feel it, or want to do it, I couldn't help but extend a little bit of grace and mercy to someone who needed it.
I'm grateful that the case study of me, my life, is constantly changing, growing. I'm grateful that God can shut me up when I need to be shut up, and I pray that I'll let Him make me speak when I need to speak.
Brooke
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