Shutting Up

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I pretty much stink at extending grace and mercy. I'm great at expecting and accepting it, but not so good at doling it out. 

Last night, Ruthann and I met with some people and we read from Colossians in The Message. Verse 21 begins "you yourselves are a case study to what He does."

This morning, I walked into what was pretty sure to be a fairly awkward and uncomfortable meeting.  Awkward and uncomfortable are not really strengths of mine.  I tend to try and avoid them as much as possible.

Technically, I had the upper hand in this meeting- in this particular situation, my wrongs are less than the other persons, and my rights are more.  The speck in my eye compared to the plank in theirs.

But I knew that there was one thing- one tiny thing, that I would be called out for.

Knowing this, I spent a few minutes (and by minutes I mean hours/days/way longer than I should have) dwelling on things and coming up with the perfect, biting, in-your-face comeback that was sure to clear my name, and get us all back to talking and working on the real issues. None of which were mine, of course. 

I was ready, steeled for the dirty look and emotions sure to follow my comment, and the 'talking to' that I might get from the facilitators of the meeting.

I sat in the meeting, anxiously waiting to get to the part where this other person brought up my miniscule crime.  And I listened to her talk about her own crimes.  I listened to her talk about what she had done, and how she was working on things, and why she was working on things, and her goals, and hopes.  I listened to her talk about her daughter, and the kind of life she wanted for her. I watched her try and fail not to cry.

Some of you know this about me, some of you don't- but I'm a crier. When I see someone cry, I'm done for. I can't handle it. One of my sisters sheds half a tear, and suddenly I'm a sobbing wreck. An ounce of sadness in someone I know, or even someone I don't, and I'm fighting tears that I can't even explain. I went to a wake last week for someone that I'd never laid eyes on in my life, and spent the entire time I was there biting my cheeks and pinching myself so that I wouldn't cry. I cry at commercials, and I can make myself cry just thinking about something bad happening to people I love. I've begun to think of it as a skill!

Anyways, I'm sitting there, watching this person cry, and open up about her situation and how she ended up there. Amidst all her crimes and planks, I can feel her guilt and shame. And biting my cheeks and pinching myself, I manage not to cry along with her.

And out of nowhere, she mentions my tiny crime. And biting remark on the tip of my tongue, I nodded and said that I would make sure I stayed on top of the situation in the future. 

The rest of the meeting continued, and we talked about moving forward, and goals, and what happens next.  I sat, barely listening, wishing that I had held my ground, and defended myself. Wishing that my well thought out biting remark was not still sitting on the tip of my tongue.

But at the same time, I was so grateful that I hadn't. For not the first time, I was grateful that my emotions got in my way, and held me back from saying something that would have hurt someone else, and not helped the situation at all.

I'm grateful that although I didn't feel it, or want to do it, I couldn't help but extend a little bit of grace and mercy to someone who needed it.

I'm grateful that the case study of me, my life, is constantly changing, growing.  I'm grateful that God can shut me up when I need to be shut up, and I pray that I'll let Him make me speak when I need to speak.


Brooke