Stop This Train!

The chorus of my favorite John Mayer song sings,

“stop this train

I wanna get off and go home again,

I can’t take the speed it’s moving in,

I know I can’t, but honestly,

won’t someone stop this train…”

I came home from class Monday night with exactly this sentiment. I had a long day at work, full of prepping for an internal file review and then going on home visits. Later was the first class of my second semester of graduate school and I needed to buy my books. So, I trekked the hour up to Framingham early to buy them before class. Over $400 for two books and a workbook!... I headed to class and spent the next 2 and a half hours reviewing the syllabus and assignment schedule for the semester. I left feeling so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with work, overwhelmed with school, overwhelmed that I still have 3 years left of school-even though I just completed 17! I felt like I would never be finished.

Then on the ride home I got even more overwhelmed because I got to thinking about the cost of school versus what pay scale it will put me in when I’m finally finished, and trying to decide if it’s worth it. And then I got to thinking about how badly Matt and I want kids and how the longer I’m in school the longer that gets put off. And then I got to thinking about how on earth we will ever have enough money saved for a house to put those kids in because of all the student loans we’ll be paying off until we’re 200 years old. So, another hour later I’m at home crying on my bed chanting to myself, “I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna”

I was going full speed ahead and I wanted to stop the train… And then I got confused and thought about the possibility of fast forwarding the train…and then went right back to wanting to stop the train.

My sweet husband wandered home to what only could be described as a train wreck of a wife. While I was still crying, still talking to myself- he bravely asked what was wrong and listened to me recap my crises (though I’m doubtful he deciphered most of it). Should I quit school? Should I choose a shorter program? Is it absolutely necessary that I keep going? What will be the best for us? Will we ever make enough to stay on top of our bills? Do we really want to wait 3-4 more years to start a family?...and on and on….And then, the brilliant man gently and lovingly reminded me that I don’t get to stop the train, because I am not the conductor.

He, in not so many words, reminded me that I could calm down and take a breath because I am not the one in control. He reminded me that whether I decide to finish my graduate degree or not, we would be taken care of. He reminded me that God’s timing will determine when we start a family. He reminded me that having good jobs and a house of our own is not the most important thing in the world. He reminded me that God has always taken care of us and promises to continue to do so.

Oh how thankful I am that I am not the conductor! Goodness knows what kind of shape my train would be in by now…We can be thankful for a God that knows the blueprints of our life when all we see is craziness. We can be thankful for a God who knows His plans for us (Jeremiah 29:11). For a God who created us on purpose, for a purpose, and that that purpose is good (Romans 8:28, Philippians 2:13). We can be so thankful that He knows exactly what is going to happen to us and our family (Psalm 139:16).

2 Timothy 1:7, the verse I find myself readying over and over again says, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, or love, and of self-discipline.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Once I was able to calm down enough to utter a coherent plea to the Lord, (as if He didn’t already know my heart), I could present my troubles to Him, give Him back the controls, and ask, once again, for Him to forgive my stubbornness. My anxiety was eased, my fear was gone, and I even stopped talking to myself!

There is no need to be fearful of what lies ahead when God is the conductor of our lives. There is no need to be fearful of the future when He promises provision and protection (though let’s not confuse that with easy and painless).

Beauty-full readers, how I pray that we are daily embracing the peace of God that transcends all understanding. How I pray that we relinquish all fear to Him and trust in His divine conducting of our lives.

Have peaceful week in Him,

Jill