Higher Ways and Better Thoughts

I have an 11 year old girl living with me right now.  She has a sad history, and there's been a lot of trauma in her life that she doesn't recognize as trauma.  Her warped perception tells her that her life before foster care was practically perfect.  She can't see the sources of danger in her family; and she has incorrect notions of what life would be like if she was allowed to return to them.

I'm constantly hearing things (usually at loud levels, in between tears and sniffs) like:

You don't care about me.

You won't even help me, cause you're not giving me the answers.

Stealing is just a habit. I shouldn't get in trouble for it.

I'm gonna tell my mom on you.

You don't want me here.

I love Justin Bieber. 

You never give me anything.

Heather has more stuff than me.

This is the worst day ever. (This one is particularly interesting, since yesterday and the day before were the worst days ever.)

I don't have any free time cause you took me shopping and now I can't use the Wii cause I have to do homework and take a shower and eat.

Why don't you just lock everything up and then I can't take it.

Sometimes I try and argue back... telling her that I do care about her. That giving her the answers doesn't teach her anything. That I'm helping the best I can and it's not my fault I can't do 5th grade math. That it might seem like Heather has more things, but it's because she misses out on so much of what normal girls her age get to do. That I give her the things she needs, and that 11 year olds don't need iPod touches and TV's in their rooms.  That there are consequences for out actions, and we all have choices to make. That making mistakes is how we learn, and we try and do better next time. That if she can't sit and do 30 minutes of homework now, she's never gonna make it in the real world.

She doesn't hear me. At all. The things I'm saying are true. I mean them. If she stopped to listen and think, she'd realize that. But she can't see past what she wants and thinks she should have to hear the truth in my words.

And I wonder how often God thinks the same things about me.

Brooke, it's because I care about you that I didn't give you........ what you thought you needed.

Brooke, it's because I knew what strengths and traits you'd need that I let that "traumatic" thing happen to you when you were 9. 

Brooke, it's because I love you that I didn't let that relationship work out when you were convinced it was the best thing in the world.  And you're glad for it now.

Brooke, it's because I know what's ahead that I 'let' you struggle sometimes and figure things out on your own.

Brooke, I gave you the parents you have so that you could become who you are today.

Brooke, it's because you'll need patience that I put that annoying person in your path.  (x7)

Brooke, it's because I love you that I let you make choices. And stick around after you make the wrong one. 

Brooke, that thing you thought would ruin your life was actually the best thing that ever happened to you. That's because I love you. 

Ruthann said it in her post on Monday, and I've said it before, His ways are higher than mine, and His thoughts are better than mine.


 Like Zoe, I don't recognize the danger of what I want sometimes. I have incorrect notions of what life could be like "if only".  I have a warped perception of myself, and life around me. I have a history that has made me who I am today, and most of the time, I'm glad of it.

I want so badly for Zoe to hear me. To trust me. To learn, grow, change. To see me as someone who loves her and wants to help her rather than as a day ruin-er.

I want so badly to trust God. To know that He knows what I need better than I do. To know that He knows when something I want is the wrong thing.  To protect me from the danger of myself.

To let Him love me.  Cause He does. Even when I don't hear Him. Even when I get mad cause I didn't get what I wanted. Even when I want the wrong thing. He loves me.  And you.

Next time I'm begging for Zoe to hear me, really hear me, I'm gonna check my heart and make sure I'm not ignoring the same thing from God. 

Brooke