Strong Hands

In 2004 I got arrested for a minor driving incident.  My license had been revoked for nonpayment of a ticket, and I got pulled over.  I went to court the next day, paid the ticket and the fine, and everything was good again.  Except that after court, I got fired for getting arrested.  That day, it was the worst thing that could have happened to me.  I loved the kids I worked with, I loved [some of] the people I worked with. I worked 100+ hours a week.  I slept there. I ate there. The kids came home with me for holidays. That job, those kids, were my life. I didn't know what to do if I wasn't working. 

I made the job my family, and I didn't see my own anymore. I didn't call, didn't visit.  For a time I spent my day's off with my grandmother who was living with my dad and couldn't be left alone anymore.  But that only lasted until she went into a nursing home, and then I went back to picking up overtime shifts on my days off. 

In my memory, every time I saw my family during that time, we ended up in some sort of fight.  I'm not sure if that's accurate or not, but that's how it seems now.  My sister even threw a Bible at me once.  Good times :)

Right after I got fired, my grandmother took a turn for the worse. Since I didn't have a job to go to anymore, I spent my days with her. Since her nursing home was close to my dad's house, I went there often.  I started making appearances at church on Sunday mornings, although in the beginning it was simply to see the smile on my dad's face when I walked in.

There's no doubt in my mind now that what seemed like the worst thing, was actually the best thing.

I spent time with my grandmother before she died. I reconnected with my family, and the church I grew up in. I met all of the people who are now so important to me. I learned how much people had been praying for me, and, despite the fact that I all but deserted them, how much they loved me. Eventually I discovered the God who loves me even more than they do.

My dad says that a few weeks before the whole thing happened, he finally threw his hands up and told God to do what He needed to do. I like to say that he prayed for me to get arrested :)

It's funny to me that while Dad was praying and trying to reach me and doing all he could do in his power, God was just waiting for him to let go.  The moment that changed my life, also changed my dad. It was a lesson he had to learn.  The take-away for him (besides getting his favorite daughter back in his life) was not that he did anything to bring me back. It was that he couldn't do anything to bring me back. It was that "letting go and letting God" is yes, cliche, but also best practice. 

Awhile ago I wrote about Jonah, and obedience.  At the time, I had a decision to make. I didn't want to make it. Not just that I didn't want to say yes, but I didn't want to make the decision at all. 

But, it was the type of decision that has to be made. Can not be avoided. Things were depending on this decision.

I made it.  And while I won't say that I embraced it, I came to terms with it, and began thinking about the ways God could use it.  Use me. I pretty much planned the whole thing out.

Today, I find myself possibly in the same place my dad was a few years back. Thinking about how I was "willing" do to anything in my power, what I thought God was asking me to do, to help someone.   Learning that I can't really do anything. That the whole mess is in His hands now.

 I'm not quite sure what the take-away from this lesson will be.  Right now, I'm feeling like the "simple" act of making the decision was my lesson. That's what I needed.  That was what someone needed from me. That's all I could do.

 I'm really glad that His hands are stronger than mine.  There's no better place for this situation to be.

Brooke