Actively Waiting

I've been waiting my whole life.  Most of us have, for one thing or another.  The first thing I remember waiting for was a pool party at the YMCA. I was not very good at it.  My mother told me we couldn't leave the house until 11:30, and looked at the clock every 5 minutes for about 2 hours.  I'd go find something to do, do it for 3 minutes, assume it had been an hour, and run back to the clock.

After that, I waited for my sisters to be born. I waited for Christmas. I waited for back to school shopping. When my dad used to drive down to see us during the week,after he tucked us into bed, he would beep his car horn every time he left.  I used to wait to hear that beep like I needed it to live. Part of me did.  (Proof of just how awesome my dad is: one time he forgot, and drove back a half hour later just to beep the horn outside the house for me.)

When I was a little bit older, and still no better at waiting, I waited to be able to move to my dad's house. Then I waited for my sisters to be able to move to my dad's house. I waited for some silly boy to call me. I waited to graduate high-school. I waited for some silly boy to smarten up and love me. I waited to hear about a job offer. I waited to hear about the closing on my house.  I waited for myself to smarten up and NOT love some silly boy.

Last week was school vacation for the kids. On Sunday, Heather began asking when Jill was coming to the yellow house. I told her Thursday. I told her this about 76 times on Sunday, and 34 times on Monday. As soon as I was done saying, "Jill will be here on Thursday", she was asking me again. She was whining, and growl-y, and generally unhappy about the fact that Jill was not here. She didn't want to do anything but hear me tell her Jill would be here on Thursday. I even recorded it on her ipod in the hopes that she could just listen to it again and again and I could stop talking. Apparently, my tone wasn't right or something, because she wasn't happy with this either. Probably because I said "I love you" at the end, and she did not want my love- she wanted Jill.

Halfway through the day, she said "Brooke- waiting?  Jill Thursday? waiting?"  I said, "yes Heather, we have to wait for Jill."  Next thing I know, she is turning around a big easy chair that sits in front of my window.  She finagles it around, so that it's facing out the window.  I helped her. And by help I mean video-taped.

She gets the chair where she wants it, plops down, and makes me push her in so that she's a close to the window as possible. And then she says "OOOOOhkay, waiting." with a big sigh.

She wasn't asking if she had to wait for Jill.  She was asking if she COULD wait for Jill.  As if waiting wasn't the most miserable thing in the entire world. As if it was action. She finally realized that asking me over and over and whining about it wasn't going to make Jill get here any faster.  So she took action, and decided to wait. And she was thrilled for the rest of the day. She giggled. Sang. Stared out the window, jumping up every time a white car drove by (Jill's car is white).  She was happy.

I don't know about the rest of you, but my waiting doesn't look like that.  My waiting is filled with anxiety, whining, anger, sometimes tears. My waiting is not happy. It's filled with questions about whether what I'm waiting for will actually happen. Questions about whether or not I can do anything to ensure that what I'm waiting for will actually happen. Questions about whether that thing I just did or said, will stop what I'm waiting for from happening.  Questions about whether I actually want what I'm waiting for. It's me, trying to hang on to every ounce of control, and make things happen.

I think that's the difference between me and Heather. She had no questions about what she was waiting for. She was waiting for Jill.  She didn't have to wonder if she wanted Jill to come. She believed me when I told her that Jill was coming. She knew what would happen when Jill got there. She trusted that Jill coming was a good thing.

I'm currently waiting on a few things, some tangible, like Kerrie coming home and Plumkin's arrival. I'm waiting on answers to prayers, for myself, for my family. I'm waiting on open doors, and things I see potential in.  I'm waiting to see growth in some areas of my life, and change in other areas, and in other people.

I want my waiting to look more like Heather's.  I want to do it happily, expectantly.  I want to trust in what I'm waiting for, and trust in my God to bring the best to pass. I want to sing and giggle.  I know this means I might have to adjust some of what I'm waiting for. I'm going to have to stop waiting on things that aren't good for me. I'm going to have to stop thinking that I can do anything to hurry up the answer. I'm going to have to trust that God will answer me in His time.

I want my waiting to look more like this, relaxed and peaceful:

Psalm 27:14 says,  "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord."


Brooke